How to set boundaries in relationships

There’s been a lot of talk about boundaries lately. “Boundaries” has become a buzz word of cancel culture, but they are vital to your mental health and relationships and deserve a lot more nuanced attention.

So- what is a boundary? According to the APA (American Psychological Association), a boundary is defined as “a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.” Translated- we set boundaries to set limits on how we engage with people and things in our lives. Why do we do this? Healthy boundary setting is so important for our mental health (you can’t pour from an empty cup!) AND for our relationships with people we love. Without healthy boundaries our relationships become fertile ground for resentment, enmeshment and/or a disintegration of trust and respect.

Q: Does setting a boundary mean I have to cut someone out of my life?

A: NO. Setting healthy and consistent boundaries actually can help prevent your relationships from getting to a place where no contact is necessary for someone’s well being. Cutting someone out of your life, at least temporarily, might be necessary in extreme circumstances. This usually involves continual disregard for your boundaries and/or behavior that is emotionally or physically harmful to you.

In most relationships boundaries don’t need to be big gestures to be effective. Follow these steps to set an effective boundary:

1) Think about and identify your own needs. The first step to identifying a boundary is deciding what your priorities and values are, identifying how they apply to a situation, and checking in with yourself to make sure your needs are being met. Consider your needs for rest, love, affection, health and safety, etc. Once you’ve identified what you want and need in a situation you can proceed to step 2.

2) Think about how your wants and needs can be translated to a boundary. Your boundary should state the way you will respond to a situation, action, or behavior. Make sure your boundary is clear and enforceable. Remember, you’re in control of your response, not what someone else does or how someone else behaves.

3) Set your boundary in a respectful, direct and firm manner. You are not asking for permission here, but telling someone what your boundary is. Be as clear and concise as possible. Most of the time it makes sense to set a boundary in advance, but there are times when it is ok to wait for the boundary to be crossed. If you wait, try to address this when the boundary violation is happening, or immediately afterward. For example “I am not comfortable continuing this conversation while you are yelling at me. I’m going to leave and would be happy to continue this conversation when you are calm and can speak to me in a respectful manner.”

4) Follow through with your boundary. Part of “not asking for permission” means not basing your follow through on someone else’s response to your boundary. Someone’s discomfort with your limits does not mean that your limits are wrong or bad. If you have made the decision to set this boundary in line with values that you hold, it can help to remember your values and reasoning as you follow through and enforce your boundary. Remember that you are protecting your core self and your right to make choices about your own life.

Boundaries are not selfish. They are decisions you make to care for yourself after mindfully considering your needs, the needs of others whom you care about, and your values. Failing to set boundaries can leave you feeling used and mistreated. I love the following quote about boundaries by author Brene Brown: “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

I hope that as you set boundaries in your life you will experience the joy of more fulfilling relationships, a feeling of freedom, and meaningful connection and experiences with those who matter most to you.