The Communication Blueprint your relationship needs
If you and your partner are trying to communicate but feel like every conversation just makes things worse, you’re not alone. You might be feeling discouraged, resentful, alone, and like there is something wrong with you. You and your partner desperately want to feel secure, seen, and heard in your relationship. The fear of not getting these fundamental needs met might be leading to defensiveness, avoidance, shouting matches or total withdrawal.
Next time you want to have a productive conversation, try these tips from John and Julie Gottman. Remember, your highest priority isn’t to convince your partner of your opinion, but to leave the conversation feeling connected and like you’re on the same team.
Listen to hear, not respond. Remember each of you has a valid perspective and viewpoint. There is no “right” or “wrong” here, both of your perspectives are valid and are informed by your past experiences, culture, family dynamics, and current beliefs.
Try this while your partner shares their viewpoint:
Take notes
Ask clarifying questions
Use language like “Tell me more about that” or “I can understand why you would feel that way” or “Tell me more about how you came to that viewpoint/understanding” (you don’t need to agree to say any of these things!)
Use a softened start up- use gentle language. Use “I” statements, describe feelings instead of actions and don’t accuse, criticize or belittle. Focus on the problem at hand instead of bringing up bigger issues.
Try this:
“I feel…, I need…” (“I feel like you do this” is not a feeling.)
When you feel yourself getting defensive, share even the tiniest thing you did wrong. Taking responsibility is a great way to combat defensiveness.
Try one of these phrases:
I’m starting to understand your point of view.
I can see why my actions made you feel that way.
I’m so sorry that my actions hurt you.
I’m sorry I didn’t show up for you in the way you needed me too.
What do you need me to do differently next time?
Take a break before you feel flooded. Chances are you’re talking about something really difficult. If you need to take a break, that’s ok.
Try this:
Say “This conversation is important to me. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed, so I need to take a break. Can we come back at __ time and continue this conversation? I’m going to use this time to self-regulate so I can show up fully for this conversation when we come back.”
Break for no less than 20 mins, but no more than 24 hours.
Schedule a time to come back to the conversation. This helps minimize feelings of abandonment.
Use your break to calm down physiologically- go for a walk, do yoga, deep breathing, etc- don’t stew on the issue.
When you come back from your break, share what triggered you if you feel able to do so. Was there a hurt in your past or childhood that was triggered by your conflict? If you’re sharing this, use “I” statements, describe feelings instead of actions, and don’t accuse, criticize or belittle.
Thank your partner for returning to the conversation. You can share what you (not your partner) will try to do differently during this conversation and ask your partner what they need to feel safe in this conversation.
Trying these new ways of communicating might feel awkward or unfamiliar at first. Over time they will support you in creating a safe and connected partnership. As you become familiar with these guidelines, you can make them your own and do what works for your relationship. Most importantly, you and your partner will both start to feel heard, understood and cared for. Difficult conversations will support connection instead of creating distance in your relationship.
